I'll be frank this was a terrible date as the title suggests. If any average looking girl pulled a stunt like that I'm sure most men would have walked away sooner. Man, if only we didn't think with other heads sometimes. Let's get into the worst date ever, and take this as a grave lesson. Though I think at the time I handled the situation better than most.
One day I was looking through tinder and I saw a girl I found rather attractive. She had green eyes and brown hair, resembling Ayesha Curry, in both name and appearance. I saw she had added her Instagram to her tinder bio and I didn't even wait for the match. I just slid in her Instagram DM's and I believed she got back to me the next day. She agreed to my date request and I gave her the location: Upper Buena Vista. And not a night time date but a daytime afternoon date. That was my first mistake, day time dates don't even fit my M.O. of romance. I’m a believer of people being their true selves in the dark. Hence nightclubs, you see more people kissing and doing more wild acts when the sun comes down, but I digress.
So the time of the date dawns and I walk to Upper Buena Vista to meet her and I don't see her anywhere. I'm walking around the outdoor mall strip doing a few laps and nothing. So I decide to call it quits and walk back home, suddenly, I get a video call from her. She says she is still there and by the entrance. So I turn around and head to the entrance and there I find her. She was very attractive, puffy curly dirty blonde hair with emerald green eyes. She was wearing this black suit and strangely she smelled like hot oil as if she just came from the hair salon. But it was actually coming from her skin, she had actually very oily skin by application of what seemed like baby oil rubbed all over her arms and legs. She spoke with a light ghetto accent but it wasn't heavy or unappealing to me and the smell didn't bother me too much either; It wasn't good but it wasn't a bad one either.
We walked around the place and she's fascinated by the place, the natural vibe. The wooden atmosphere, the plants and all. I tell her that Upper Buena Vista looks much better at night but there's a whole different vibe during the day. We head to the garden area and she wants some photos and videos taken of her immediately. She hands me her phone but she doesn't do the standard pose but she does a lot of sexually suggestive poses and for the videos, a lot of body teasing. Red flag number 1. First Mistake, I'm no one's personal photographer. Especially someone I just met. The place was a natural wooden oasis, not a nightclub. Let's continue.
We head to the rooftop of the Vista restaurant for brunch. I ordered a fruit platter and she ordered an avocado toast and I also ordered two mimosas. The food comes and the serving sizes are laughable and we're both discontent with the fruit platter specifically. I had brought my polaroid with me and she agreed to take a photo. And then she hands me her phone and I take some photos specifically of her, no couple group pictures, cool. So the bill comes to about $70 dollars but the waiter actually double charged me, and the bill comes to $140. I take it up with the waiter and he seems to be in a bad mood but he apologizes and we rectify the situation. I come back to the table to tell her what happened but she seems unfazed and doesn't even pretend to show a sign of concern for a meal I just paid for in double.
I decided that we should just keep moving and began walking to the Design District to explore and get a drink.
Miami Design District
The second mistake, the Design District is a luxury area of high end stores and there's just certain people you don't bring. Usually, one would just look around and let the fancy rich people do the actual shopping. So, on the walk to the district she discloses some personal details about her and how she's based in Orlando and to be honest it was very ambiguous. She moved in a very shady kind of way. As we reached the district I was telling her about the history of the place and showing her some attractions but she wasn't concerned with the artistic value of the place, only the monetary value. She kept suggesting we enter stores like Balenciaga and things and I was like "nah." I kept her on track and we continued to walk to our drink destination: St. Roch's Market, the food court and bar. We head towards the bar but we make a note of the hanging chair garden, both a work of art and a rest stop. I tell her it's one of the places girls in Miami tend to take photos, that most local dating profiles feature those basic overseen chairs. We head by the bar and though it's the middle of the day the place is packed to the brim. We head by the bar and I order two drinks, a moscow mule and mojito. So the overall bill tab is about $100 dollars at this point. I tried to talk and mellow the mood out but she's consistently on her phone and then she takes a call, speaks briefly and then hangs up. Then she brings up that she's hungry again. And I respond:
"Yo, we just ate."
But she persists, we're in the food court anyway so I give in and we head to the chicken place across the bar. I figured we can get an appetizer, right? Wrong. Third mistake. We head up to the place where we have to order, the food is pretty pricey but only if you come to eat to get a full serving. I look at the chicken and it's about eight dollars, not too bad given the area. She looks at the menu and chooses the most expensive thing: some lobster bite meal or something. In a straight face, I just look at the cashier and then I look at her and say: I'm not paying for that. At this point in the date my tab was way past $100 dollars. She didn't offer to pay for a single thing, did she think I was loaded like the people who lived here. Maybe I gave off the wrong impression bringing her here, I mean I did live here but just in walking distance. The area has a long history of gentrification and new developments, almost yearly. This version of the Design District is fairly from eight years ago when I was in high school; it was a whole new place entirely.
To continue, she eventually agrees and we settled for the less expensive chicken. At this point I'm just trying to please her, by whatever bottomless pit that is her stomach. The bill tab is up to $120 dollars at this point. I mentioned to her about the hanging chairs outdoor and the lighting looks perfect for a picture. She says we can go take some photos after the meal. Fantastic, it's usually the part where I walk away with something, a physical memory of some sort and this case probably the saving grace. I'm still clenching the polaroid shot of her in my pocket. Our buzzer beeps and the food comes, we eat by the bar. I nibble at the chicken a bit and let her have most of it. It's then that I excused myself to the bathroom.
I head to the bathroom, take a quick piss and check myself out in the mirror. Two minutes tops. I head back to where we were sitting and the food is there but she's gone! I think to myself:
"Huh?" Why would she leave the food unattended? There's no way. Is she in the bathroom?"
I take a look around the food court and I don't see her. At this point I look like a parent looking for a lost child in the mall. I leave the food court and race down the stairs to see if I can catch her on the ground floor trying to sneak away in an uber or something and I see nothing. This bit* # really ditched me after some free meals and drinks!
AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET MY PHOTO! I raced back up the food court to where we were, I discarded the remaining food into the trash can and I headed home. As I walked home, I left a very heated and concise voicemail of how shitty company she was. I've seen the three red flags of the apocalypse, I should have known better to go out with a discount wannabe model on such short notice. When I got home I remembered I had the polaroid photo of her in my pocket from the restaurant. I went to the kitchen to grab a pair of scissors and I broke my sacred oath and I destroyed that photo completely and tossed the pieces in the trash. I later blocked her on Instagram and I moved on without even a second thought.
Much better is to come and with that we move on to the Indian Little Mama, the last date before the global lockdown.
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